When to Breakup with a Friend

The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. Aristotle

We spend a great deal of time thinking, reading, and talking about our primary love relationships—a romantic partner, a spouse, a lover—and if it is salvageable or worth keeping. What about friendships? Research states that we go more to our friends to get needs met or to experience emotional intimacy than we go to our main love objects. They are more neutral and less threatening.  There is truth in that. You do not live with your friends on a daily basis to discover their foibles. To have good solid friendships is critical to supporting us as we live our life.

What makes a good friend?  A solid friendship is green and growing. In it you are free to be who you are, to have needs, to share feelings, to disagree, and to give honest feedback on how their behavior affects you. A friend listens without judgement, takes responsibility for their half of the relationship, gives advice only when asked for, lends strength in difficult situations, and most importantly, what you share with a friend is kept confidential. A true friend accepts you unconditionally and you know you can count on them at difficult times.  Their words and actions match, they treat you with respect, and they act in integrity.

But what about ending a friendship? That may be as difficult as ending a love affair. Here are some signs that tell you it’s time to say goodbye to the person you once considered a good friend. And, I might add, that friend could be a relative.

1.       You or the other person starts to pull back.

2.       You feel hesitant to talk about problems once easy to talk about.

3.       When you discuss a problem, you seem to get nowhere.

4.       The relationship is fraught with power struggles.

5.       You feel demeaned at the end of an encounter.

6.       You begin to hide true thoughts and feelings.

7.       You stop feeling safe to say ‘no.’

8.       You and your friend are no longer compatible.

9.       The person talks about you behind your back.

10.   The friend shares information you asked to keep confidential.

11.   When you mention problems, the person becomes defensive.

12.   You are blamed for problems in the friendship.

13.   The person gives uninvited advice.

14.   The friend is not there when you need them most.

15.   Your being cared for begins to feel conditional on pleasing them.

16.   Your friend makes and breaks promises.

17.   The relationship begins to zap you of your energy.

18.   You are putting more into the relationship than they are.

19.   You stop feeling safe in the relationship.

20.   Your intuition says it is time to end the friendship.

21.   The relationship lacks compassionate understanding.

If you assess your relationship and find three or more of these signs, first talk to your friend about how these behaviors are affecting your desire to continue the friendship. The process of how and when you say things is as important as what you say. Often, we let bad feelings build up and we are less rational. If you feel heard, the friend takes responsibility for the behaviors, and is willing to make changes, then give the friendship a chance to grow.

 If there are more than seven of these signs your friendship is in trouble and ask yourself why you are still in the relationship. My belief is that it is quality, not quantity of relationships that is important. If you have a handful of loyal friends, you know you can count on no matter what, you are lucky. Rid yourself of those who are toxic or unreliable.