Tools for Change
Below are signs of Love, Romance and Sex Addiction. Choose a test and answer yes or no to each question.
Love Addiction Questionnaire
Do you ever feel as though you take care of others even though it hurts you?
Are you afraid or hesitant to talk about problems in your relationship?
When you do discuss problems, do you seem to get nowhere?
Do you feel like you are growing or want to grow and the relationship is not?
Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Do you rationalize away the things you don’t like in your relationship?
Do you ever feel like you both want and don’t want to be in the relationship?
Have you ever thought of leaving the relationship and been too afraid?
Do you or the other person every get close and then pull back?
Do you experience holding out in your relationship?
Does how the other person in the relationship feel change your mood or self-esteem?
Does the person’s behavior change your self-esteem or mood?
Do you enable, persecute or feel like a victim?
Do you struggle for power or control?
Do you try to change the other person or the other person try to change you?
Do you wonder what a healthy relationship is?
Do you have any negative thoughts about men/women, relationships?
Do you disregard your values to please someone?
Do you fear risk, change or the unknown?
Do you experience repeated negative feelings?
Do you suffer from separation or disapproval anxiety?
Do you let abusive people remain in your life?
Do you fear being alone?
Are your boundaries weak or rigid?
Do you expect or demand unconditional love?
Do you or those you are attracted to abuse or refuse commitment?
Do you fail to stop others from violating your boundaries?
Do you adapt to others to keep them around?
Do you look to others to fulfill you?
Do you become intimate before you have established trust?
Check yes or no to the above. Any yes answer indicates some degree of unhealthy dependency.
Sexual Addiction Questionnaire*
Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
Have you regularly subscribed to or regularly purchased sexually explicit materials?
Did either of your parents have trouble with sexual behavior (repress or act inappropriate)?
Do you often find yourself being preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
Do you (ever) feel that your sexual behavior is inappropriate?
Does your spouse or significant other ever worry or complain about your sexual behavior?
Do you have trouble stopping your sexual behavior when you know it is inappropriate?
Do you ever feel bad (shameful or guilty) about your sexual behavior (and then rationalize it)?
Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you or your family (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually)?
Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like or caused problems?
Have you ever worried about people finding out about your sexual activities?
Has anyone (ever) been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
Are any of your sexual activities against the law?
Have you made promises to yourself to quit some aspect of your sexual behavior?
Have you made efforts to quit a type of sexual behavior and failed?
Do you hide (or have you ever hidden) some aspects of your sexual behavior from others?
Does your sexual behavior put you at odds with your personal or spiritual values/integrity?
Have you ever felt degraded by your sexual behavior or affair?
Has sex been a way for you to escape your problems (or self medicate)?
When you have sex, (that you question), do you often feel depressed afterward?
Have you felt (or do you now feel) the need to discontinue a certain form of sexual activity?
Has your sexual activity interfered with your family life?
Have you been sexual with minors (or vulnerable adults)?
Do you often feel controlled by your sexual desire?
Do you frequent pornographic web sites or chat rooms
Do you tend to sexualize others
Do you rationalize your sexual behavior?
Does planning, obtaining, and recovering from sexual behavior become increasingly time consuming?
Do you need more sex to get the same high?
Check yes or no to the above. Affirmative answers to 12 or more questions strongly suggest that sex is being used like a drug of choice and may be an addiction.
* Based on the SAST by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., with permission and includes some adaptations and additions.
Romance Addiction Questionnaire
Are you easily in love with being in love?
Do you like melodrama: being a rescued victim or the hero?
Are longing and melancholy familiar to you?
Do you gravitate to romance novels or movies?
Is the attraction phase of a relationship what matters most?
Do you live in a future of perfected love?
Do you look for love?
Are your fantasy outcomes often disappointing?
Is there a familiar pattern in your selection of partners?
Do you get high on the rush of intoxicating feelings?
Do you self medicate with relationships?
Do you compromise your values when in love?
Is heartbreak familiar?
Is your choice of music romantic, dramatic or euphoric?
Do you wander off mentally or physically when the romantic high wears off?
Do you have long distance affairs or affairs with the unavailable?
Do you have unrealistic expectations of the love object?
Do you feel anxiety when the romantic object is absent?
Do you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the romantic object is not there?
Do you suffer from depression related to your romantic affairs?
Do you chase the illusion?
Do you fantasize about those you are not in a relationship with?
Do you find romanticizing soothes you?
Are you lured by intermittent reinforcement (periodic attention)?
Have you ever stalked the love object or called to check up on the love object?
Does your romanticizing interfere with other areas of your life: family, children, work, spiritual, relational, financial?
Do your friends ever confront you on your romantic encounters?
Do you like living on the edge of perfected love?
Do you escape through rich fantasy life?
Do you crave ecstasy feelings?
Check yes or no to the above. Affirmative answers to 12 or more questions indicate that romance may be used like a drug or is an addiction.
Remember, love, sex, and romance can be delightful parts of our humanity. It is when we over identify with these experiences, that it hurts a person or a relationship.
Relationship Assessment
How Does Your Relationship Rate?
With a specific love relationship in mind, carefully read first the characteristics of addictive love, then those of healthy love. Score your relationship for each addictive love characteristic based on the following scale: 0 = never; 1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = often; 4 = almost always; 5 = always. Then score yourself for healthy love.
Addictive Love
____ Feels all-consuming or energy draining
____ Difficulty defining ego boundaries
____ Has elements of sadomasochism
____ Fears letting go
____ Fears risk, change the unknown
____ Allows little individual growth
____ Lacks deep intimacy or trust
____ Manipulates to get needs met
____ Gives to get something back
____ Attempts to change or control the partner
____ Needs partner to feel complete
____ Seeks solutions outside of self
____ Demands and expects unconditional love
____ Refuses or abuses commitment
____ Looks to partner for affirmation worth
____ Fears abandonment upon routine separation
____ Re-creates familiar negative feelings
____ Desires, yet fears, closeness
____ Attempts to "take care" of partner's feelings
____ Plays power games ("one-upmanship")
Healthy Love
____ Allows for individuality and energizes
____ Experiences both oneness and separateness
____ Brings out the best qualities in both partners
____ Accepts endings
____ Open to change and exploration
____ Invites growth in both partners
____ Experiences deep intimacy/feels safe
____ Freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted
____ Giving and receiving are one and the same
____ Does not attempt to change or control partner
____ Encourages self-sufficiency of partner
____ Accepts limitations of self and partner
____ Is unconditionally loving
____ Can make and honor commitments
____ Has high self-esteem and sense of well-being
____ Trusts memory of beloved; enjoys solitude
____ Expresses feelings spontaneously
____ Welcomes closeness, risks vulnerability
____ Cares, but can remain detached
____ Affirms equal personal power
Now, add the scores for each list and divide by twenty to get a numerical average for each. Does your relationship exhibit more symptoms of trouble than of health?