Exercises
Below are some exercises designed to help increase awareness and motivate action. Dr. Schaeffer has developed these exercises for people who wish to learn more about themselves, to feel happier, to improve their relationships, or to purge their lives of a compulsive behavior. Words of caution: In the event you find it difficult to use them on your own, or if moving through them elicits information or feelings that make you uncomfortable, don't hesitate to stop and seek professional support. Good luck on your personal journey toward self-discovery.
How Do I Love Me?
Exercise
Your self-image plays a significant role in your relationships—the higher your self-esteem, the better your relationships are likely to be. By going through the process of answering these questions, you will become more aware of your own level of self-esteem. On a scale of zero to ten, ten being high, give each question a score. Say the first number that comes to you.
How much do you like yourself?
As a child, how much did you think or feel your mother liked you?
As a child, how much did you think or feel your father liked you?
As you grew up, how much did you think or feel your peers liked you?
How much would you like to like yourself?
Have you ever liked yourself more than the score in question one? If so, what, when, and why?
Have you ever liked yourself less than the score in question one? If so, what, when and why?
If you have a relationship or best friend, how much do you think or feel your friend likes you?
Do you have all tens? I hope you do. If not, the one score you can change is your own. If you do not love yourself a ten, know that it is possible to get there with deliberate effort and focus. Start by making a list of your positive qualities, such as being a good friend or being a good listener. Because negative comments are so powerful, we need at least ten positive affirmations to every negative comment.
Signs of Self Confidence
Exercise
Read the list of ten characteristics that show self confidence in relationships. Put an A by those that you always or almost always experience, an I by those that need improvement, and an N for those you never or rarely experience.
In a group I am comfortable in my own skin.
I know the art of mingling and find ways to connect with strangers.
I recover from embarrassing situations gracefully.
I tell stories without putting anyone down.
I have a relaxed smile that helps me connect.
I ask clearly for what I need.
My body posture portrays confidence—shoulders and chin are upright.
I know how to relax myself before a scary situation.
I listen to others without interrupting.
I respond without being defensive or competitive.
Note: Few people realize all of these characteristics, especially in adolescence. So pick out one feature at a time that you will work on. Pick a day and make your intention clear. For example: “Today I will tell stories without putting anyone down, including me.” At the end of the day ask yourself how you did. If need be, do the exercise again until the behavior becomes a habit.
Building Self-confidence Exercise
One of three brain circuits that get wired in adolescence is impulse control, or the ability to stop ourselves from automatically responding yes to an urge that could hurt us or others. If we get this one early in life we have become master of our destiny. Controlling impulses is what guarantees a healthy expression of sex, love, and romance. Not an easy task, as we have discovered. Consider this list of signs of impulse control and put an X by those that need improvement. And, again, with clear intention, choose one sign at a time and work it until you trust yourself..
I think before acting.
I consider the full spectrum of consequences of my actions.
I look for negative payoffs from patterns in myself and stop myself when I come to number three. (Once is an accident, twice is coincidence, but three times is a habit.)
I hold myself accountable for my behaviors instead of blaming others.
I write down the lessons I have learned from the experience.
I reinforce positive changes by telling others I am sincerely sorry about my negative actions for my sake as well as theirs.
I work to make myself a trustworthy person.
I put the stops on my inappropriate anger.
Letting Go
Exercise
Letting go is one of the most difficult of life tasks. When it comes to letting go of a personal relationship, especially those that are addictive, the task is especially tricky for reasons previously discussed. The first response is to cling to a person and then to get angry at them. People often ask me how they can deal with the pain of a lost love partner. The following email is from a young man who had ended an emotionally abusive romantic relationship and who was having strong urges to contact his former partner because he was feeling lonely and thought talking to her would ease his pain.
Here are some suggestions that can help you deal with letting go, no matter what time of the year.
Find support people you can reach out to. Ask them to remind you why it is important to let go of this relationship or addiction now.
Live one day at a time saying to yourself: “I can do today what I might not be able to do for a lifetime,” or, “I will live today with a peaceful heart.”
Use stop techniques instantly such as telling yourself: "This thought, feeling, behavior is not in my best interest and I will stop obsessing instantly."
Do deep breathing, physical exercise, and meditation several times a day.
Remind yourself that you made the right decision for you and that you will not give in to the compulsive self. Tell yourself. “I have everything I need to get beyond what I fear,” or, “It is in my best interest to let go of this relationship now.”
Create new routines to fill in the spaces that remind you of the past.
Find something you feel passionate about and do it.
Clean out any reminders— pictures, gifts, music, etc.—of the person, at least for now, as they are likely to trigger pain and obsession.
Find ways to give to others. Put your caring to work other places.
Hang out with family members and friends that you like being around and who are free of judgment and advice giving. You simply need a place to be right now.
And, if pain comes up, accept it knowing that denial will make you sick. Let yourself grieve the loss and do not dwell on it or look back. Remember to use your pain wisely as you tell yourself: “This is healing pain, and I will grow from it.”
If your symptoms worsen or go beyond two weeks, call a therapist immediately.