Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part XI

 FROM ADDICTIVE LOVE TO HEALTHY BELONGING

Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by the imagination -- Voltaire

In my work with clients, a process with seven definable stages in and out of unhealthy or addictive relationships emerged. As I began clarifying those phases with clients, change became less painful—even welcome. They had a roadmap and knew which phase they were in, where they were heading, when they arrived. A person could see if they were staying in or leaving a love relationship for right or wrong reasons. Getting to healthy love was an “inside job.” Attempting to change without altering the individuals’ internal beliefs or healing past trauma proved futile. They learned that each relationship has three entities:  an “I”, a “You”, and a “We”.  The “We” can only be as healthy as the “I” and “You”.

Seven Stages

One:  Denial

The relationship may seem normal. Many—perhaps all—of addictive love signs* are present, but they are minimized, rationalized, ignored, or denied. Suppression is a hallmark of this stage. Beliefs which support this stage: “All couples go through this.” “It’s better to be in a bad relationship than none at all.” “I took him or her for better or worse.” “I don’t have it so bad.”

Sometimes only a lack of information keeps a person or couple in this stage. Many stay locked in this stage.

Two:  Discomfort

One or both partners become aware that something is missing; that something is wrong. Inner voices say: “Something is not quite right.”  “What’s wrong with me? I should be happier.” “I wonder if he or she still loves me?”  “Is this all there is?”  An inner agitation, the hallmark of this stage, makes denial impossible.  People may begin looking outside themselves and their relationships for solutions:  alcohol, food, affairs, work, exercise, or other processes.  Often, one or both partners return to denial to relieve themselves of discomfort.

Three:  Confrontation

Life presents a wake-up call— a depression, a brush with death, a caring confrontation—so problems in the relationship are confronted. Anger masks fear of things changing. This stage, characterized by crisis, involves melodrama that is so negative it compounds the problem:  accusations, threats, shaming, blaming.  Domestic abuse, suicide, violence, illness, and other extreme escalations can occur.  Not knowing what to do, a couple may return to a previous stage, prematurely separate or divorce, or seek counseling in an attempt to change the other.

Four:  Psychological Separation

This “I” stage is crucial, time consuming, often resisted, and necessary to develop a healthy “We”.  Through self-discovery each person separately examines questions: “Who am I?” “How did I get here?” “What am I afraid of?” “What dysfunction do I bring to relationships?” Understanding that distance is a normal part of this stage can eliminate fear and guilt. If single, it is important to experience this stage to ensure healthy love relationships in the future.

Five:  Resolution of Self

At this stage, individuals have answered the question “Who am I?”  They have gained a sense of self-acceptance and the knowledge that “I am enough alone.”  They have identified and healed past traumas and negative patterns. This is an integration time, blending the old and the new Resistance to change shows up and we may resort to old behaviors until we realize we cannot go back to the way it was. We are different. It is time to evaluate his or her relationship from a new perspective to decide whether it should continue.  If a person has already left a relationship, he or she now begins to trust that love is possible in the future.

Six:  Belonging

A person possesses a new freedom to love maturely whether single or partnered and has discovered that there are many places to belong—family, friends, support groups. Belonging comes from an inner belief: “I can belong and still be me”.  Separate and close is the hallmark of this stage. A relationship complements individual freedom. In a love relationship giving is for the pleasure of giving spontaneously and without expecting something in return. Realism allows for faults, failures, disappointments, and a willingness to live with uncertainty. The three entities of every relationship— “I,” “you,” and “we”—can now coexist peacefully and the characteristics of healthy belonging are evident. **

Seven: Reaching Out

People move from focusing on themselves and their relationships to a more universal giving.  Content with themselves and with others, they now have more creative energy, physical stamina, and spiritual strength to help them give and respond to all of life. Since they no longer depend on love relationships, sex, or romance to provide life’s meaning, they are free to seek additional meaning in life. A mature love relationship serves as a springboard to expand our energy from an exclusive relationship to a universal love that reinforces the belief that love does, indeed, make the world go ’round.

Casey’s Story

I went to counseling to fix my relationship.  Someone had to tell my partner to change. I was sick of the drama and power struggles.  I was disappointed when the therapist wanted to see us individually; that it was important to know what we each brought to the relationship.  At first I kept focusing on my partner’s bad behavior and the therapist kept bringing the conversation back to me. I learned that most of what we experience is not conscious but still in our psyche.  Though I had pretty decent parents, I learned that I missed some important things growing up and I was expecting my partner to fill in the missing pieces. I turned the focus from problems in the relationship to focusing on how my life experiences shaped me. Witnessing a very dependent mother and a distant dad, I was afraid to get close, but also afraid of being abandoned.  Melodrama brought people close, but not too close. My eyes and heart were open.

My partner was doing individual therapy too.  We talked about what we were learning about ourselves.  We did group therapy in separate groups.  It was amazing to be with others who were open and honest about themselves and were willing to change.  I was in therapy for six months before I felt ready to get back to couple’s therapy.  It was different this time.  We did less of the shaming and blaming, we were open to changing old patterns, we could even laugh at ourselves when we saw ourselves regressing to old ways. Because I knew the roots of why certain behaviors of my partner triggered me, I could educate my partner without shame or blame. And when my behavior was out of line, I could own it and make an amend.

As the therapy progressed I asked myself questions:  Why do we need to know and love ourselves?  Why do we need healthy relationships?  But then I saw it.  We need a healthy relationship with ourselves to have healthy relationships with others, but healthy relationships are not an end in themselves.  We need them because they are fueling docks where we get energized so we can do in life what really matters—share our uniqueness with life.

Based on Chapter 9, Is It Love or Is It Addiction?

*Addictive Love Characteristics:  Blog V or Chapter 4 and 5 Is It Love or Is It Addiction?

**Healthy Belonging Characteristics:  Blog IX or Chapter 8 Is It Love or Is It Addiction?