Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part X

FROM POWER PLAYS TO POWER SHARING

A hallmark sign of unhealthy relationships are power plays. A hallmark sign of healthy relationships is power sharing. - Brenda Schaeffer

What is Power?

The transition from childish omnipotence to power-sharing seems to be something we all struggle with.  Power is not a commodity outside of us nor is it control over others. Power is our own personal potency, an energy that originates from within and reaches outward to meet our basic needs and live a productive life. People who are comfortable with their power do not hurt others, attempt to dominate, nor do they need to prove they have power. Power can be a gentle firmness and directness. I think of Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, and Chief Joseph, the Native American spiritual leader. Each of these people lived his or her power. Their roles did not give them power; their roles were a means of expressing their power to effect positive change.

 Power Sharing

If our lives are unmanageable because of power plays* in a relationship, we must change the properties of that relationship. In healthy belonging, power is shared.  Projecting our shortcomings unto others is replaced with permission to be passionately authentic.  Personalizing other’s behaviors is replaced with clear boundaries that frame our individuality.  We listen to others without taking on any blame-shifting maneuvers or attempting to put them down.  Power is viewed, not as a commodity that can be bought and measured, but our personal vitality, vigor, passion, and uniqueness that attract others to us.  Power sharing is a statement: “I am here as your emotional equal and you are here as my emotional equal.” Unlike power plays that leave us with an ugly feeling, power sharing leaves us feeling lighter.  We are easier to be around, and our relationships are nourished. 

Signs of Power Sharing

The following is a partial list of ways to power share that support healthy relationships. Check off the qualities that you practice frequently.  Mark those characteristics that need special attention in your life. And feel free to add to the list. 

• Stating beliefs, values, and thoughts with consideration. 

• Expressing needs, wants, and feelings, with respect.

• Letting go of ego-driven expectations and outcomes.

• Empowering people in a positive way.

• Celebrating another’s intelligence, knowledge, and gifts when invited to be one-up.

• Celebrating your strengths when invited to be one-down.

• Giving up jealousy.

• Giving without over-nurturing, manipulating, or expectations.

• Compromising.

• Letting go of what you cannot change.

• Owning your mistakes; making sincere amends to self and others.

• Giving direct, clear answers to questions and requests.

• Taking actions that support equality and a win-win position.

• Accepting others where they are and as they are.

• Acknowledging that personal power is an inner resource and not a commodity someone gives or takes away.

• Avoiding put downs, criticisms, blaming or shaming.

• Taking time to listen to a person without defensiveness or interruption.

• Discussing, suggesting, and inviting, rather than telling, bribing, or threatening.

• Expressing opinions and disappointments with “I” statements.

• Being proactive vs reactive. Process information before responding to a person.

• Being assertive vs. being passive or aggressive.

• Being willing to yield or wait and accept not always getting what you want.

• Reminding yourself that one-up and one-down are states of mind.

• Making judgements without being judgmental.        

• Thinking abundance; power-plays are based on scarcity thinking.

• Eliminating the inner critic that puts people in a one-up or one-down position.

Jim’s Story:

“Growing up, I felt I had a choice of two alternatives, control or be controlled. My mother tried to control everything. By dominating me, she eliminated my individualism, imagination, and uniqueness. “Do this.” “Don’t do that.” “Don’t cry.” “Don’t be a baby.” The control or power signals were not always verbal: rolling of the eyes, shaking the head no, putting hands on hips, giving the cold shoulder, or an air of disgust. If it wasn’t done her way, I paid the price. I felt like a puppet, and she pulled the strings.

When I got married and started a family, I used what I learned only this time I decided I would do the controlling. By now I believed that power was getting people to do what I wanted. I thought power plays would keep me from being controlled, keep me from being hurt, and provide me certainty or freedom. But it only distanced me from my wife and my children. A power play that got physical got my attention and I finally agreed to get help.

In therapy I was amazed at how little I knew about myself or how little I paid attention to others. I was shut down, cut off from everyone, including myself. No one outside the family suspected that of course, because I was pretty good at playing the gregarious guy. I learned that skill as a kid for self-protection.  The problem was, I did not know who was underneath the gregarious me.

In time, I found that there were many alternatives to my power plays. I had choices and not just a choice between controlling others or being controlled. Sharing and being vulnerable are unusual for me. I’m not used to these behaviors, but opening up and listening to others actually feels good and people around me feel safer. Power sharing brought me more time to know myself, my wife, and my children.  Plus, it brought more joy, more closeness, more self-respect, and fewer arguments.

 One important lesson I learned was that there is healthy and unhealthy anger.  Using anger to control or intimidate like I had been doing, is no longer acceptable. Healthy anger is using my personal power to stop hurtful behaviors when I see or hear them but without hurting people. It’s okay to be angry and still show it and love at the same time. In the past it was one or the other.

Sometimes I’m scared and awkward in my changes.  But in the final analysis, power sharing feels right.

As Jim’s story tells us, change is possible and challenging. Power sharing must begin with empowering and loving ourselves.  Not always easy. If you find yourself feeling less than or better than another, ask yourself why. Change any beliefs that support a one-up or one-down position. As we practice sharing in ways that empower self and affirm the power of others, we naturally bring a balance of love and power into our relationships.**

* Refer to Blog IX to identify power plays.

**Excerpts from Power Sharing and Loving Me, Loving You by Brenda Schaeffer.