People Pleasing: What is it? Why do we do it? How do we stop?
People Pleasing: What is it? Why do we do it? How do we stop?
We reach emotional maturity when we know what it means to give with a pure and unselfish heart.
Brenda Schaeffer, adapted from Is It Love or Is It Addiction
On July 23rd, I will be presenting People Pleasing, What is it? Who Does it? and Why? for the online conference Overcoming Codependency & People- Pleasing. I wrote this blog on the topic as a companion to the online presentation. This FREE event, presented by iKE ALLEN & Ande Anderson, Co-Owners of AVAIYA University, features over 30 online presentations from top experts in the field and runs July 18-24, 2023. You can reserve your spot here for this event. I hope you will join me!
What is it?
In my book, Is It Love or Is It Addiction?, I refer to people pleasing as over-adapting to what others want or what we imagine they want. Adapting can be a good thing. We adjust or conform to a situation or person to live cooperatively. If you agree to meet at 8, you do; you stop at red lights; you do your half of the relationship. These adaptations make life and relationships run smoothly. Healthy adaptations are thoughtful and respectful.
But in love addiction we over-adapt. We people please. We accommodate others in ways that minimize or limit our feelings, thoughts, authenticity, spontaneity, and true intimacy. We take care of others at our own expense. Everyone does it and it goes back to childhood. As children we watched the grown-ups in our life and learned what put on smiles and what put on frowns. We adjusted our behavior accordingly to keep people happy and get their approval. Or, when we felt threatened, to not make waves. Often, we got rewarded with accolades, stars, awards, and favors. People pleasing became a habit.
Here are examples of over-adapting or people pleasing. Some of these are quite subtle.
Smiling when hurt or angry.
Withholding the truth so as not to hurt someone’s feelings.
Behaving against your values.
Not standing up for yourself.
Letting someone talk you out of what you want or need.
Not telling people what you really feel or think.
Putting other people’s needs ahead of your own.
Adapting your life to another’s schedule.
Postponing your life.
Sabotaging your success if it threatens someone.
Lying to keep the peace.
Saying yes when you mean no.
Being sexual solely to meet someone else’s desire.
Accepting things you do not want: food, touch, sex.
Nurturing others and not yourself.
Why do we do it?
One reason we people please is that it provides us with conditional okness. When people pleasing, because of the positive responses we get or hope to get, we feel good about ourselves, others, and life. It’s a plus, plus position. However, that feeling is temporary. Because it is impossible to please people perfectly all of the time, it is like walking a tight rope and any minute we can fall off. We watch carefully and if a person frowns, ignores, minimizes the people pleasing, or doesn’t reciprocate, we go into feeling not okay or get mad at the person which puts us in a one-up position.
A second reason we over-adapt or people please is because of what we fear might happen if we don’t. Being emotionally honest is one of the most difficult things to do. It requires us to be 100% vulnerable and we never know how the other person will respond. Here are common fears that drive us.
fear of disapproval
fear of someone’s anger
fear of not being good enough
fear of disappointing someone
fear of the unknown
fear of abandonment
fear of hurting someone’s feelings
fear of expressing our thoughts and needs
fear of criticism
fear of starting an argument
A third reason we people please is because we harbor an underlying hope. The giving is to get. Though we may think our behavior is unconditional and altruistic, it often is not. Over-adapting is an indirect way of asking for what we need or keeping people around. There are hidden expectations. “If I please you, then you will please me.” “If I give you what you want, I’ll get what I want.” “If I over-adapt to you, then you will like me.” “If I make you happy, you will stay.” “If I please you, you won’t be mad at me.” Each person has their own hidden expectation.
How do we stop it?
There is a way out and here are the steps:
Acknowledge that people pleasing, over-adapting, is a way of life.
Make a list of the ways you tried to please people as a child.
Make a list of the ways you people please or over-adapt today.
Examine what you fear might happen if you are emotionally honest.
Listen to what you tell yourself that keeps driving you to people please or over-adapt.
Give yourself permission to say no or tell someone “let me think about that” when asked for something or to do something.
Where it is safe, educate people as to why you are afraid to be emotionally honest past and present.
Learn to recognize the many invitations you get each day to over-adapt or people please and instead of going into automatic pilot, stop and tell yourself “It’s okay to please myself and please others because I want to, not because I have to.”
Your giving is authentic when you feel a warmth in your heart and poise in your mind and body. If adapting or giving is free of judgement, irritation, fear, and expectations, then please others to your heart’s content.
Jennifer’s Story
By nature I am more passive than most people I know. But I also learned it as a child; it kept my angry father happy. He hit everyone but me. I did everything I could to not make waves and my mom was a perfect role model. She would get all dressed up before he came home, she had a smile on her face when he walked in, she agreed with everything he said, she never told him she was angry or sad, and she asked for very little. She didn’t seem to have a thought of her own. I felt sorry for my mom and worked hard to make her happy. At 10 years of age I was baby-sitting my younger brothers, washing clothes, and even ironed my dad’s shirts. And I didn’t ask for much.
I brought these behaviors into my marriage, and I did everything I could to please my partner including hiding my anger and putting smiles on my face. I did this for many years until I started feeling depressed and went to see a counselor. She helped me see how much of my depression was from being shut down. I over-adapted to everyone. I was a perfect people pleaser. I had tons of anger going back to my dad that I never talked about. It was scary to admit then and to admit I was really angry at my partner now. I was as emotionally dishonest as one could get. The sad part is that I was giving to get but I didn’t even know what I hoped to get. I was too focused on making others happy and not disappointing them.
It took awhile but I was finally ready to tell my partner that I was angry. My partner was so upset that he called the therapist and told her “I don’t know about this therapy. My wife is angry at me all of the time and refuses to do things for me.” Of course that was an exaggeration. The therapist told him to be patient with me because I was trying out some new behaviors that were important to not be so depressed. He must have listened. I became better at how I expressed my feelings and needs, and since I had learned how to say no, I was free to give because I wanted to. He thought I was back to my old self, but I was really a new self. Now he is going to therapy with me.
Register for the FREE online event Overcoming Codependency & People-Pleasing below.