Valentine’s Day: The Power of Love
Love without power goes idle; power without love injures. *
Dr. Brenda Schaeffer
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year where we are reminded to stop and think of the people we love. Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought after. But we must not confuse love with sentimentality or physical love. Love is far greater. It is an energy that is free and available to all. It does not care what you look like, what you believe, what you do for a living, your gender orientation, and whether you are married, single or in a relationship at all. Love nourishes and is the most cost-effective medical insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is. And there is no end to its supply. Love has been proven to improve the immune system, increase life expectancy, reduce depression, produce zestful children, nourish relationships, and induce feelings of calm, safety, and trust. And there is also growing scientific evidence that some of the things we pass off as love are bad for our health.
Love and relationships are not one and the same. Relationships are neutral places where we can express profound love, withhold love, distort love, mishandle love, or betray love. Most hearts have been injured in relationships, and it is an unhealed heart that is vulnerable to unhealthy attachments to people, romance, or sex, that lead to loneliness, disappointment, jealousy, heartbreak, power struggles, fear, hate, shame, abuse, and addictive love. A healthy love relationship, on the other hand, is “green and growing”. In it we are free to be who we are, to have our own thoughts, to disagree, to have needs and feelings and in an atmosphere of trust.
Think of the heart as having two sets of emotions. Lower emotions lead to conditions and expectations we place on the love we offer to others. It is conditional. The higher emotions of the heart express a deep unconditional love that invites us to reach out, nurture, embrace, celebrate, and give to those we love.
It makes sense for us to know the ways we express love. On this Valentine’s Day, reflect on how you express love to others. Here are some characteristics of healthy and unhealthy or addictive relationships. The greatest Valentine gift you can give to those you love, is to look at the signs of unhealthy attachment and see if there is one thing you can change to have healthier relationships. Then work on it. Look too at the signs of healthy relationships and celebrate what you do well and do more of it. And remember, we can only change ourselves, but that change can invite a change in others.
Assess Yours Relationships
Unhealthy Attachment/Love Addiction
Attempting to fix others
Power Plays
Desires and fears closeness
Over adapting to others
Weak or rigid boundaries
Has elements of sadomasochism
Fears letting go
Fears risk, change
Stunted individual growth
Difficulty being emotionally honest
Plays psychological games
Giving to get
Attempts to change & control others
Needs approval from others to feel complete
Seeking solutions outside of self
Demands unconditional love
Refuses or abuses commitment
Looks to other for self-worth
Fears abandonment
Re-creates familiar bad feelings
Healthy Love
Caring detachment
Equal personal power
Risks being vulnerable
Being true to self
Clear permeable boundaries
Brings out the best qualities in self & others
Accepts endings
Is vital and alive
Invites growth in self and others
Encourages emotional intimacy
Free to ask honestly for needs
Giving is without expectations
Accepts differences and limitations
Encourages self-sufficiency
Trust in own decision making
Lives unconditional love
Accepts and respects commitment
Has high self-esteem
Has a high level of trust
Expresses feeling spontaneously
*Adaptations and quotes from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer
