Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part VI
SIGNS OF ROMANCE ADDICTION
The euphoria of romantic love is one of the most intoxicating of life experiences.
— Brenda Schaeffer
Fatal attraction is as old as time itself. It is filled with pathos, longing, and calamity. In most love stories, love arrives out of the blue, abducts its lovers, and the rest of the story line seems out of their control. When romantic love is an addiction, it becomes an emotional speedball, a wild ecstasy, a preoccupied madness that one becomes attached to. A love addict is in love with the sensation of being in love. In healthy love, the lover can tolerate the gradual reduction of the chemical high and move on to the bonding stage of a relationship. But for the addict, they hang on to the object of their affection or become abusive if the person wants to leave the relationship. Being lost in love can occur at any stage of life, by anyone, and can be long lived. It can be mutual as in the story of Romeo and Juliet, or one-sided as Scarlett O’Hara demonstrates in Gone with the Wind. Psychologists refer to these as reciprocal romantic love filled with elation and fulfillment and unrequited romantic love filled with obsession, agony, and sadness. It ends with either reciprocation or starvation.
The object of romantic love can be a romantic partner or live only in the love addicts fantasy life. Before I list the characteristics of romance addiction, I present the following e-letter I received from a man in South America. This is an example of a fantasy relationship.
Dear Dr. Schaeffer,
I would really appreciate your help with an issue. I have been a friend with a woman at work who is very striking and fun to be with. We have spent a lot of time together and I have developed a very strong romantic pull to her. We have never had a romantic relationship or a commitment; we have never been sexual. Then we had a feud over the fact that I saw other women and she decided to stop being my friend. She said it was cheating. It has been several months since we stopped being friends. My problem now is that even though I do not want a long-term relationship with her:
I miss the good moments we had together and realize just being with her and fantasizing about her was giving me a romantic high. Losing that high is painful.
I have this extreme physical and emotional attraction towards her that does not seem to die. When I do not see her for a while, the pain dies out, but then I see her, and the trauma is back.
I cannot stop thinking about her and getting her back. Maybe I just want her because I cannot have her.
I get very jealous if I see her with other men. I then call or email her, and she tells me I am stalking her.
I am becoming more depressed. I tell myself that if I had tried a little harder, she would still be with me.
How do I get over this strong physical and emotional attraction toward her? I feel I am a little obsessive, and it may be that I cannot face rejection and want her back. Whatever it is, I am hurting and need some advice badly. Could it love by any chance?
Thanks for any advice.
Ricardo
I will let you, the reader, assess whether this is an addiction as you consider the following signs of romance addiction. Here are some of the darker sides of romantic love.
Twenty Signs of Romance Addiction*
Obsession.
Intense jealousy.
Possessiveness.
Depression and melancholy.
Dependency on intoxicating feelings.
Heightened anxiety.
Romance interferes with life.
Living on the edge of perfected love.
Exaggerated fantasy life.
Choices of entertainment are dramatic or euphoric.
Stalking the love object.
Chasing the illusion.
Lured by intermittent reinforcement.
Longing for reciprocation.
Withdrawal when the love object moves away.
Friends and family express concerns.
Hanging on to the unavailable or abusive.
Outcomes are disappointing.
Reality is distorted.
Melodrama.
How would you answer Ricardo’s email? How many signs of romance addiction are in his drama? How many of these are in your romantic relationship? Is it love or is it addiction?
*From Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Note the book expands on each of the signs and gives true examples.