Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part VII
SIGNS OF SEX ADDICTION
Sex can be a sacred way of connecting or it can be the egoist’s way of self-fulfillment.
— Brenda Schaeffer
Sometimes it seems as though we have no control over which sexual path we take—the path to love, or the path to addiction. The idea that sex can be an addiction is quite topical and not without its critics. Sex addiction has often been overlooked or minimized by society, individuals, and professionals. It is not in the diagnostic manual as such, though one can be certified as a sexual addiction professional. Sometimes it is referred to as problematic sexual behavior or a compulsive behavior. In the hundreds of stories I have heard in therapy, a sex addict or their partner know the pain it causes. No matter what you call it, to them the problem is real and painful.
The idea of sex as an addiction came forward in the 1970s when a recovering alcoholic identified his out-of-control sexual behaviors as parallel to his alcoholic behaviors and referred to it as sex addiction. Like gambling, it is considered a process addiction in that, instead of ingesting chemicals to get a high, a person uses a stimulus outside of self to trigger an abundance of their own feel-good chemicals. It occurs when one uses sex as a fix or drug, the use becomes excessive, there are negative consequences, and a person continues its use anyway.
One research indicated that 97% of those who used sex compulsively or addictively, experienced emotional or psychological trauma of some kind, 81% experienced sexual trauma, and 72% experienced physical trauma. These traumas can be as subtle as childhood emotional neglect, or as severe as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. * In addition to stopping addictive behaviors, these trauma wounds must be healed to get to sustained and healthy emotional and sexual intimacy with a partner. And when trust has been broken in a love relationship because of these behaviors, that trust must be rebuilt over time for the partner to feel safe enough to bond again.
*Note: having any of these traumas does not mean that a person will use sex compulsively or addictively. Nor does a sex addict need to have experienced severe trauma to become addicted to sex.
How do we know if our use of sex is an addiction? Here are twenty signs.
Use of sex to fix, escape or cope.
Negative consequences because of the behaviors.
Mood changes related to sexual behaviors.
Inability to stop even though there are negative consequences.
Planning, obtaining, recovering from the sexual behavior become more time consuming.
Risk losing a relationship, a job, a good reputation.
Periods of guilt and shame.
Pursuit of high-risk or destructive behaviors.
A predictable cycle: preoccupation, ritualization, sexually act out, despair.
Tolerance or need for more to get the same high.
At odds with your partner, family, values, and even self.
Deny, defend, rationalize, minimize the behaviors and their impact.
Sexual cravings.
Preoccupation distracts you.
Living a double or secret life.
Use sex to feel alive or to not feel pain.
Sexualize others or humor is sexual.
Violations of trust.
Inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Use others for sexual gratification.
Sex is a delightful part of our humanness, but when it becomes addictive, we use and abuse it, others, and ourselves. If you identify with a number of these behaviors, you might want to talk to someone who understands sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity. Dark Eros does exist. How many signs of sex addiction do you see in the following story?
Conrad’s Story
I kept my sexual addiction from my wife for fourteen years. I had sex with her friend the first year of our marriage, I had affairs, and secretly used pornography. We touted honesty and closeness to our family and friends. Our children thought we were the perfect couple. I had a way of compartmentalizing my two lives. When I was in my addict self, I was one hundred percent there. When I was with my family, I was one hundred percent there. It was like having a curtain between the two lives that I could open and close at will. Keeping these selves separate allowed me a false inner peace.
I started meeting women online. It seemed safer. Then my wife came across an email to a woman and became devastated. I couldn’t keep the sex addict self behind a curtain, he was outed. At first, I lied or minimized but now that the secret life was out, I became more anxious, depressed, and shameful. Meeting women online or watching pornography was not as exciting. Worse of all, I began feeling disgusted with myself. How could I do these things even when I loved my wife and children. It made no sense.
I tried stopping many times but the urge for the high was too much and I kept acting out. I could have lost my entire family but that wasn’t enough to stop me. So, I finally found a therapist who understood why I could not stop on my own. She helped me get into a month-long treatment program. It was great being in an environment with people who struggled like I did. Ya, I could finally admit that being a sex addict was not as much fun as I told myself and it was a struggle to stop on my own. I was so far off my integrity track I don’t know how I could have convinced myself that what I was doing was fun, I deserved it, and nobody would get hurt. Boy, was I wrong.
Portions from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer. A Hazelden Publication.
