Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part VIII

SIGNS OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

The affirmation of one’s own life, happiness, growth, freedom, is rooted in one’s capacity to love—in care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge — Erich Fromm

We do need other people. In our evolution as human beings, there is a developing awareness that we are linked with other people in a very profound way. As a psychotherapist I am reminded how basic is the need to experience giving and receiving love, of healthy belonging. True love is life-giving. It improves the immune system, increases life expectancy, reduces depression, produces zestful children, and induces feelings of calm. Love is the most cost-effective medical insurance policy and the cheapest medicine there is and there is no end to its supply.

 But do not assume that because you are in a relationship you are automatically in the presence of true love. Relationships are neutral places we get to experience profound love as well as withhold it. If you have followed along in the addictive love blog series, you probably recognize symptoms of addictive love or unhealthy dependency in yourself or your relationship. You are not alone. Most relationships have elements of both addictive love and healthy belonging. It makes sense then to know more about how we love—whether it is immature love aimed at ego enhancement and need fulfillment, or a mature love that has evolved over time.

 And though we may want it to be, a love relationship is not a neat little package. It is alive. It needs to be fed, protected, and educated. Think of a love relationship as a 100-piece puzzle. We were lucky to get ten to twenty pieces of the puzzle and some of those pieces lead us to dead ends. We can learn what a loving relationship looks like and develop skills to help form and maintain such a relationship. The signs of healthy belonging are the opposites of love, romance, and sex addiction. Do your inventory and note how many of these puzzle pieces are in your relationship tool kit. If your inventory is on the high side, your relationship is green and growing.

Twenty Signs of Healthy Belonging*

1. Allows for oneness and separateness.

2. Has healthy boundaries.

3. Creates a feeling of safety.

4. Brings out the best qualities in ourselves and others.

5. Accepts endings.

6. Is open to change.

7. Is vital and alive.

8. Encourages true intimacy.

9. Is not afraid to show feelings.

10. Gives from the heart.

11. Accepts differences and limitations.

12. Encourages self-sufficiency and self-esteem.

13. Knows what love is.

14. Accepts and respects commitment.

15. Has a bottom line.

16. Has a high level of trust.

17. Experiences healthy sexuality.

18. Has a realistic view of romance.

19. Cares with detachment.

20. Affirms equality and personal power of self and other.

Cynthia’s Story

“When John first told me about his affairs, I fell apart. Suffice it to say that I got so low I considered taking my own life. I had to ask myself if I loved him. I had to ask myself if I was willing to work on myself. Then I had to ask if I was willing to give the relationship time. The answer to all three was yes.

Although initial joy and passion for the relationship were shaken—not to mention my commitment to it, I knew the importance of respect and openness. I had said I loved John without conditions and this was to be the test. I knew if we were to rebuild trust, my words and behaviors had to match. Yet I knew I could not rebuild trust alone. John got immediate help and I could see his dedication. I got help too. My therapist told me that if we both grew from this experience, we could build a new and better relationship. She was right. We agreed to give it a year.

“We agreed to be brutally honest with each other as scary as it was. We recognized how we had been in denial for years. John had a support group and his therapist dug deep to see what drove him to his addiction. He remembered being sexually abused as a child. He remembered that when he was feeling pain, he would run to any diversion to get away from it. He cried as he recognized how out of integrity he was and felt deep remorse for the pain it caused me. I looked at my story too. I realized that my esteem was low long before this event showed up in my life. I too had scars to heal. I realized that, though I did not cause John’s behavior, I neglected both of us. As odd as it seems, listening to each other’s story began to bring us closer.

“A year has passed and though we still have challenges, we are growing in love again. John is my friend, and I am his. I am able to separate John from his behavior. We are creating a new and much more emotionally honest relationship. We make time to laugh and play like we did when newly in love. And we are our own person and express our uniqueness and power in our own way.”

*A more expansive explanation of each sign is found in chapter 8 of Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Third edition.